Chronicling an Extrovert's Journey Through Social Distancing

Thought I'd share some real, raw thoughts about social distancing. Perhaps you'll relate to some of the experiences shared here. Perhaps my pettiness will make you chuckle. Hopefully you'll feel inspired, knowing that you're not the only one feeling like you're losing your grip in this situation.

Sunday, March 22nd: Day One

Sunday mornings are usually a relaxation day for my husband and I, so we woke up late today and enjoyed some time in bed and indulged in our favourite brain-numbing ritual - Tik Tok videos. Had a video-call with some friends, which was very nice. It was comforting to know that others were also sharing in the act of social solidarity - staying at home to prevent the spread of Covid-19.

My husband and I went for a walk - of course staying at least 2m away from the closest passerby. We ended up at the local park which was quite busy, in light of the current situation. My husband insisted on stepping off the path every time we encountered people, and I followed his lead. It seemed more and more appropriate as time progressed. Later in the day images of English Bay, crawling with beach-goers, appeared on social media. Suddenly the gravity of the situation became more clear. We may be blessed to live in the West Coast, where the outdoors offers endless entertainment, but these are not normal times. We wordlessly agreed that there would be no more park time or time spent where many people could or would congregate. Outside clothes were stripped off and immediately washed. Hands were scrubbed with soap and water, as meticulously as if we were performing surgery.

Monday, March 23rd: Day Two

I did my best to start my day off on the right foot - getting up at the usual time I would to get to work. I got dressed and put on make up like I was going to work. I soon learned that my employer was still trying to figure out the work-from-home situation and was told to take a day off instead. I felt a bit lost as my routine was thrown off. Normally I would gladly take the day off - but I had no other plans and nowhere to go. I spent the day cleaning instead - scrubbing down the floors and vacuuming every bit of dust that I could find. It felt good to purge our home of the dust bunnies. I swear every breath felt a little more clear afterward.

Tuesday, March 24th: Day Three 

I went outside on this day for a long walk. It was raining when I left the house so I wrapped myself in a waterproof jacket, pulled on a baseball cap, and ventured outdoors. Anyone who knows me knows this is highly unusual. I would never normally be caught dead outdoors when it's raining. I hate the rain. My brain translates the sensation of raindrops hitting my skin into acid pollution being spit from the sky. But today it made an exception - I needed to be outdoors. Anxiety was building and needed to be released. On my walk I passed by a Save on Foods - I ducked inside to browse the aisles for an overlooked bottle of Lysol. I walked away with a bottle of pink lady apple cider and a bottle of multivitamins. It made me nervous every time someone in the store failed to maintain 2m of distance from me. There were lines, made from green painter's tape, stuck to the floor to show shoppers how far apart they ought to be from one another while waiting in line. I shifted nervously from foot to foot as I waited in line. I paid for my purchases, careful not to let my credit card actually touch the machine as I used pay-wave. Thankful that I did not have to touch any door handles, I clutched my purchases close to my body and sped down the street back home.

Wednesday, March 25th: Day Four 

I woke up with swollen joints, so painful that it hurt to even walk. It may have crossed my mind a dozen-and-a-half times if this was what corona virus felt like. I may have even googled it a few times. My fingers were so swollen and painful that I couldn't make a fist. Looking back now, this may have been the physical manifestation of my anxiety. After all, chronic anxiety can compromise your immune system, which makes you vulnerable to illness. I spent most of the day rolling around in bed, deeply uncomfortable. Especially thankful on this day that I was working from home.

Thursday, March 26th: Day Five 

Thankfully I felt much better on this day. I decided to take my work outdoors. Part of my work involves daily phone calls with my clients to check in - and I completed these while going on a walk. I chose a much less populous trail this time and kept my distance from any passerby's. The sun came out midway - and it was nice.

Friday, March 27th: Day Six

Another day, another day at home. I usually feel elated on Fridays. Excitement courses through me as I anticipate all the nothing I'll be doing on the weekend. But on this particular Friday, it came with a wave of ambivalence. Doing nothing not being an option but rather highly recommended for the betterment of society didn't feel all too good, I admit. But like everyone else, I just have to suck it up for the time being.

I finished up my work day and turned to my usual coping mechanism - exercising. Not that I was or am training for any particular reason - but not being able to go to the gym been very difficult. It's where I have my quiet time - which is much more effective when it's intentional rather than mandatory - but right now I will have to make do.

My husband and I watched Contagion. Apparently it's one of the top ten most-watched things on Netflix in Canada right now. Bad, bad, bad idea. It's a hauntingly accurate portrayal of the state of the world right now.

Saturday, March 28th: Day Seven

Woohoo! Made it to a full week of social distancing. No end in sight. I broke down and cried early in the morning, which was great because I got it over with nice and early. I turned to my other coping mechanism - cleaning.

PSA - I don't know which of you out there needs to hear this - but you need to vacuum under your bed. No joke - I clogged our Dyson trying to suck up all the dust bunnies that were congregating under our bed unknowingly. They had been making the occasional mysterious appearance - greeting me in the middle of the room after a thorough vacuum + swiffer session. Finally it was time for me to eliminate them at their source. Cleaning under the bed was akin to defeating the final boss in a video game. Highly rewarding and affirming at the same time.

Sunday, March 29th: Day Eight 

The sun made a surprise appearance today, and I decided enough was enough. I had been putting this off all week. And given the state of things, there was no more avoiding this.

I went for a run.

Yes, you heard me right. I went outside. And I ran. Not from anyone. Not for the bus. Not to be the first in line at Costco to hoard toilet paper. I ran - for recreational purposes. Well, more like health purposes. There is nothing enjoyable about running for me.

It made it easier that I was using an app called Runkeeper - why did no one tell me this existed sooner??? You can literally set it up to give you updates about everything at regular intervals. I set it to tell me every passing minute how far I've gone and how fast I'm running. Who knew - having a robotic woman's voice tell me my progress every 60 seconds is what it takes to make running somewhat bearable for me...

Despite the pounding headache I felt immediately afterward from running without ear muffs, I felt good. My head felt more clear. My heart felt more at peace - though I did maintain peak heart performance (165bpm) for the majority of my run - pretty sure that means my cardio is pretty bad? I'm making it sound like I did something major, but really I was only running for like 15 minutes. Decided that I'll probably do this once a week until the gym opens again. And then we will forget that this ever happened.

How has your experience in social distancing been? 

For All My Extroverts Out There

Introverts around the world are rejoicing as social gatherings are cancelled, public places are closed, and staying at home becomes civic duty rather than a sign of antisocial behaviour. 

Extroverts, on the other hand, are not doing so well. We thrive in social settings, drawing energy from face-to-face interactions and generally being out and about. We are not doing well in this time. 

Just a few weeks ago, the thought of working from home and limiting social contact seemed ominous - of course, for obvious reasons but also for my social and emotional well being. I draw my energy mostly from interactions with my loved ones but also from casual conversation with colleagues, acquaintances, and the occasional stranger. I'm usually that annoying person at work who will strike up a conversation with just about anyone... 

As humorous as the memes about my impending fear about being "stuck indoors" were, this situation has helped me learn and grow in my understanding of what it means to stay at home. 

Up until it became glaringly obvious that we all need to stay the f*** home, my days had been filled with the same routine of going to work and gym on the weekdays punctuated with the occasional meet-up with friends - and finding time to collapse from mental and physical exhaustion in between. I gave myself over to this routine, giving it 100% of my energy and emotional resources without allocating resources to my personal time. 

I found myself longing for more time to be by myself, vying for time to just... emotionally process my experiences and slow down. The best way I can describe the feeling is that it felt like I was experiencing a time-skip every day. I would 'blink' and find that time had passed without my notice. The worst part is that I wasn't able to savour experiences - like memorable moments with friends or learning opportunities. 

And so, with this stretch of unstructured and unplanned time, I finally feel like I can just slow down and BREATHE. Today I just did a thorough clean of our home. Maybe tomorrow I'll wash my car. I don't know what I'll do for the next few days, but I don't feel the need to plan it all out. Relieving myself of he pressure of filling my schedule has been the healthiest thing I have done for myself in this time. 

My husband has been a tremendous support - especially in this time - to help me recognize the signs that I need to find peace and solace in my own hobbies and interests. He is an introvert who thrives when he has time to himself. He has been upbeat amidst all of this, and his positive attitude definitely keeps my spirits up. Home holds an endless abundance of entertainment for him. 

Drawing my energy from external sources can be immensely beneficial - but it can also act as a coping mechanism for some complex emotions that I consciously or unconsciously avoid processing. In the spirit of vulnerability, I have to be mindful that in sharing my vulnerable emotional experiences, I am not unconsciously trying to seek assistance from others to heal my wounds. 

You know I love lists, so here's one for you - here are 3 ways I plan to balance my extroverted needs with some introvert-inspired techniques:

1. Taking My Time. If you're an extrovert, you're used to hearing friends, family, colleagues, and mentors telling you that you need to slow down. If you're used to hearing this, you're also used to ignoring the well-intentioned advice too. But here's the beauty of this unsolicited advice - slowing down allows you to enjoy the moment more deeply and for longer. 

2. Savour the moment. Practicing gratitude is especially important during this time. Do: Take a minute and think about ONE moment in your day that brought you joy or peace. A moment that brought me joy today was having a clean space to breathe and rest. 

3. Sleep, and sleep a lot. Sleep, with its miraculous restorative powers, seems to be the first thing that goes whenever the pace of life accelerates. Quality sleep is linked to better intellectual performance as well as improved mental helath. You can practice good sleep hygiene by minimizing activities that stimulate your brain and keep you awake right before bed, such as being on your phone or having caffeine in the evening. 

I don't know how far this mindset I am adopting will take me in this time, but I won't know unless I try. I am sure I will have good days and bad days and it's not healthy or helpful to prepare myself for the worst, despite that being the public health mantra these days. 

For all my extroverts out there, struggling with being at home, I invite you to ask yourself... What is your plan to slow down at this time?

Social Distancing and the State of the World

For a list of world events surrounding Covid-19, click here.

It goes without saying that the current state of the world is chaotic, unpredictable, and rapidly changing. Citizens around the world have been encouraged by their governments to practice social distancing in order to slow the spread of the disease. In all honesty, I've been guilty of downplaying the critical nature of this situation - giddily looking forward to the opportunity to work from home (AKA steal chickens).

In Canada, where I live, misinformation has been rampant. Chat threads originating from god knows where  have snuck into the inboxes of many people, spreading fear and anxiety about the disease. Though the government has been practice with dispersing information about the disease rapidly and frequently, these efforts have been no match for the rumour-mill.

Since the Prime Minister's address to the nation last Monday, everything that has happened since in Canada has one reality check after another.

I've been so lost in my thoughts that I could physically feel my energy draining from me - like a battery that struggles to hold a charge. I was more short-tempered and on-edge (than usual). The final straw for me was when I was using an authoritative tone with with my 4-year-old nephew and he gave me a look like, "Yo, auntie, just chill out!"

While everyone has been stewing in their worry for themselves, their loved ones, and their friends - mostly at home, practicing self care has never been more important. As important as it is to practice proper hygiene, practicing emotional hygiene will help us all keep level heads and make good decisions and ultimately protect those who are most vulnerable in this situation.

Here are 5 ways that I plan to practice emotional hygiene during this time:

5. Allow myself to be self-compassionate. I'm not going to beat myself up because I'm not as productive as I think I should be. These are not normal circumstances. Nothing like this has happened before in contemporary times and so there are no guidelines for how we should conduct ourselves in times like this.

Let's face the facts. It's very easy to work yourself into a tizzy in times like these, when things are so uncertain. Home should be a place of rest and recuperation. Even though the lines between work and home may be blurred for some of us right now - remember that it is more important than ever not to take work home. When we invite our worries - be it about the current state of the world, about work, about relationships, our personal situations - into our safe havens, we effectively nullify the emotional protection that being at home affords us. Remember that it's okay not to have all the answers and it's okay not to have all of our problems solved immediately. Be kind to yourself. You can't expect yourself to deliver productivity at 100% if you're not feeling 100% yourself.

4. Limit my worry time. I am going to let things go undone. I am going to let imperfect things be imperfect. I am not going to sweat it.

If you must talk/think about work, limit it to your usual working hours. Don't invite the talk of work into your conversations with loved ones - especially those who you live with. We're all stressed out enough as it is. If you're keeping up with Covid-19 news and it's stressing you out, limit that too. There is no need to know every piece of news about this disease the minute it comes out. If you must keep up with the news, limit the time you spend scrolling through news each day. Stay off social media if you can.

3. Move your body. I am going to maintain a good mix of moving around and being stationary. I am lucky to be able to work from home but I'm not going to restrict myself to grinding it out at a desk all day.

I won't repeat the finds of the benefits of physical activity afforded by huge bodies of scientific evidence, but here's a reminder that you need to move your body, as much as you can. Movement will allow more oxygen to flow to your brain and ease the feelings of anxiety that we are all feeling right now. Start by spending more time standing in your home than sitting - and then try out a short workout video on YouTube if you're feeling up for it.

Note: While more news and information on preventing the cause of Covid-19 is coming day-by-day, if you must go outside for a walk/run, please don't plan to meet up with friends and family or anyone outside of your household and practice social distancing with the people who you do encounter on the streets. You can either maintain 2m of physical distance between yourself and others or cross to the other side of the road. Give a smile and a nod of the head to ensure that you're not trying to avoid strangers because of fear or disgust. ;-)

2. Keep up my routine, as much as I can. I'm still going to wake up at my usual time and get ready, like I'm going into the office. The main difference being that I don't have to wear a bra, or pants. Keeping up this routine will trigger my mind to "wake up" for work.

1. Connect with friends and family VIRTUALLY as much as I can. The automatic tendency in these situations is often to hermit and keep to ourselves. We need to hear from one another. We need to talk to one another. We need to check in on one another.

How about you? What are you planning to do to practice emotional hygiene at this time?

A Guide to Personal Wellness

I recently read a Buzzfeed editorial by Anne Helen Pearson titled, "How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation" in which she described the crippling anxiety felt by many millennials and the corresponding burn-out as a result of a culture in which having two, three, or even four jobs is the 'norm'. If you're not adhering to these expectations, you're not doing 'enough'.

I turn 26 this year, and I've learned something important. I've learned to stop listening to that little voice in my head that tells me to 'get ahead' - that little voice does not take into consideration what my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs are. That little voice, which I suspect everyone has a version of, tells me to get off my ass and 'do more' when I'm sitting at home on a Saturday evening, enjoying the first moments I've had to myself all week. "You're not doing enough," it tells me. "You've got friends who are making a real difference. And you're just sitting at home eating chips."

The voice spurns a guilt within that once drove me to insanity - working 3 part-time jobs to carve out a career for myself in an industry of burn-outs while balancing commitments to my family, friends, and relationship. I was in the worst health of my life which, being someone in relatively good health, was a big shock. I couldn't eat and I barely slept. I questioned myself at every turn. I was, in short, just unhappy - and everything from my mind to my body was telling me that.

You might think, "V, isn't this appropriate for someone your age? Isn't it normal to work your butt off in the initial years of your career so that you can enjoy the fruits of your labour later on?" Here's the thing. That belief stems from an antiquated view of career and lifestyle choices. We no longer live in a society in which most entry level jobs lead to a vertical ascension in career. Our labour market no longer supplies employment opportunities that result in 35-year-long careers with a single company. We live in a gig-based economy which means new and seasoned workers/professionals jump from one job to another. The average length of time a person spends working in a single position has decreased dramatically from what it was when our parents were entering the work force. So why do we continue to hold the same views as older generations when our circumstances are vastly different?

I don't know what the answer is - but I know what my values are. I believe in a work-life balance. I love the work that I do - I honestly adore it - but I know I am sacrificing my earning potential for job-security. To me, the level of pressure I deal with on a daily basis works for me. It's just enough that I can decompress almost fully when I go home. To me, the lower wage (in comparison to other folks my age who are working higher wage jobs) means that I am more careful with my money, which is how I was raised and intend to be through my lifetime. Material possessions, to me, are great, but they rarely spark true, lasting joy for me. I leave work every day at the same time, giving me the ability to build a routine around the things that I actually want to do, like see my friends and family, go to the gym, run errands, take up sports, etc. There are drawbacks, inevitably, but I'm doing just fine by choosing to live this way.

Listen to your heart, mind, body, and spirit - listen to the signs that tell you that you're making the right choices. Listen to the signs that tell you that change needs to occur. Don't ignore the red flags that tell you change needs to occur. And most important of all, be kind to yourself.

Happy New Year! - and some updates...

Dear community of devoted readers... whomever you may be... Thanks for tuning in!

Welcome to 2019! It has been a solid 2+ years since my last blog post, and a lot of things have happened. A lot of change and personal growth has occurred. Using writing as a medium for self-expression has always helped me to stay grounded and make sense of an otherwise nonsensical existence. What's new, you may ask? 

I'm getting married! In October of this year, I am pleased to say that I will be tying the knot with my best friend and soulmate of two years. We met in late-2016 and will be commemorating our third anniversary together with the ultimate expression of love and commitment to one another. I couldn't be happier about this occasion. 

I am happy and settled in my current work. In 2017, after many ups and downs in my career, I decided to return to school and obtain a professional certification. I have earned a Career Development Practitioner Certificate and am now working toward a Vocational Rehabilitation Certification. Basically, I support people with disabilities and/or barriers to employment obtain and maintain employment. 

As I enter my late-20s this year, I have never been happier, stronger (both physically and mentally), and more confident. That said, I recognize that all of those things continually change and shift as time goes by but I feel a sense of conviction that I will be able to navigate those things with grace and ease. 

I recently started attending counselling, after which I realized that the period of depression that I experienced in 2016-2017 was actually a result of challenging life circumstances that snowballed into an overwhelming numbness, disconnection with reality, and darkness which I am still trying to understand to this day. Depression doesn't just happen. It's a tiny particle of ice that picks up companions along the way, gaining volume and building momentum as it tumbles down the mountain. I'm working hard to recognize when negative emotions start to build up and address the accumulation as I go along, rather than wait until it's too much for me to take and just shut down. 

Looking forward to doing more deep diving with you all in the coming months. Cheers!

Journey to Happiness

Martina - of Simon and Martina, a Canadian couple living worldly adventures on YouTube - recently openly shared her experiences with depression coupled with chronic pain. She spoke about the hopelessness that accompanied her struggle with her chronic pain and the limitations placed on her by her doctor, who advised against physically strenuous activity. What she had to say really struck a chord with me. 

When you experience chronic depression, you're constantly trying to answer the question of what the point of it all is. What's the point of this or that when I'll just be depressed, at the end of the day? 

Martina's way of fighting these emotions was to tell herself that she would rather be in pain after having done something new/memorable/challenging than to be in pain after having done nothing at all. 

Depression can sometimes numb your ability to be happy or accept notions of happiness. So much so that being happy or fulfilled can feel like a far-off dream, rather than an achievable state. When depressed, we ought to fill our lives with reminders to focus less on the "point" of things and more on the "process" that gets us there. After all, happiness is a journey, not a destination. 

******

I've always been a journaler - I love the act of sitting down in front of a blank page and pouring out my deepest, most private feelings, unfiltered, as ink on paper. This blog post is the first in a series of random musings that I will share from my journal. 

The Beginning of the End

The end of 2016 came about like a sunset, dark memories encompassing us almost completely. But as quickly as it came, it went - bringing with it the bright sunrise of hope that is 2017.

I spent a few days reviewing the last year in blogs and vlogs, absorbing the experiences and memories that the last year have brought. I began the year with a strong start, narrating for readers my mental health struggles in a way that left me feeling raw and exposed. I became more closed off as time went on, choosing to conceal parts o f my life that I felt, in its exposure, would bring judgement either upon myself or others. Here I am again, and I hope that I can share with you, in complete honesty, my hopes for 2017.

• Because I am part-me and part-you, you can hurt me. Sometimes. 2016 was the year of relationships - relationships that have withstood the test of time, conflict, and misunderstandings. Though some relationships crumbled or sustained lasting damage, I emerged from the dust and rubble with a clearer idea of how to separate myself from harmful threads in relationships that cannot be broken - such as that of family. As much as I love my family, I must learn to differentiate myself from them and carve my own path to avoid sustaining further emotional damage. 
• The typical... Worry less and live more, be more surefooted... Continue on this path of discovering my true self/identity... 
• Traveling. This year, losing the financial constraint of school allowed me to travel more than I had ever traveled before - I caught a travel bug, the itch of which can only be alleviated through more world-seeking. I look forward to seeing more places in 2017, especially with my loved ones.
• Being Realistic. I've never had far-flung dreams of who I want to be - the constraint of reality applies only to my tendency to exaggerate the reasons why I should not do something, or why I should not have done something. I want to plan more - allow myself to see the reasons I should do something rather than discourage myself from exploring the possibilities.
• Take it Easy. Taking a break does not mean you're giving up. Slowing down does not mean you're losing momentum. I need to be easier on myself, and that involves less panicking, and more deep-breathing. 
• Start a bucket list. I love making lists, especially when I can cross things off as I've completed them. No more letting the year slip through my fingers - I will complete the things on my bucket list!
• Step outside of my comfort zone. As cliche as it may sound, I want to immerse myself in unfamiliar environments and lean into the discomfort of unfamiliarity. I want to be humbled by the experiences of others. 
• Keep writing. Keeping a weekly blog forced me to reflect on my emotions and share them with others on a public platform. Though my words were misconstrued by some, I hold onto the hope that it has, at least, helped a handful of people - whether my words inspired self-reflection or you took solace in my painful experiences, I hope you were, at the very least, gifted with some peace of mind. In 2017, my blog entries will be less frequent - but I welcome your ideas for topics to write about. 

Relax, meditate, and think about your goals. What do you want? What is within your power to achieve? What steps do you need to take to work toward your ultimate goal?